ART TIME!

Yesterday I was drawing with Meg. I would draw and have her copy. I drew the first circle or cat head , and she drew the one on top that she scribbled out after drawing it. She became anxious and agitated with herself. when the anxiety seemed to rise up. I helped her work through it but with each step of the way saw that she was anxious about all of it. She seemed afraid to DRAW!

 It was sad to me because I DRAW! I love Drawing .... If I could only take 3 things with me on a desert island it would be paper, pencils, and my I Phone ... I was going to say my bible but its on my I Phone now hehehe.
 when this anxiety rose up I immediately was taken back. Years ago when Meg was just a Itty bitty thing she too would draw all the time .... she loved it! We began to see her slip away and her drawings changed. She would become very agitated and scribble out her own drawings , like she did yesterday .... Only Yesterday she had words to voice what she was doing. "I ruined it!" she said.

I could see back 8 years ago when she began to loose her words and she also began to scribble on her pictures .... My heart broke. "I wonder if she felt like she was disappearing." "I wonder if she could tell something happened to her."  Soon after she began to have trouble drawing she began therapy. OT was incredible for her in many areas, but they insisted on her holding the pencil correctly. I can still hear the therapist as she took the pencil from Megs little hand ... "Hold it correctly." Each time Meg would try to draw the pencil was taken from her. I remember feeling bad about that like it just  wasn't right but I guess I didn't trust my own instincts at that time because I said nothing. Soon Meg STOPPED drawing completely.  I feel like I lost part of who she was meant to be in so many ways and believe we are fighting every day to help her come back. I love this girl with my whole heart. I prayed for her last night I asked God to break anything that was making her anxious to draw, and today we painted together. I put on worship music and we invited Holy Spirit! It was INCREDIBLE watching her paint and be free in creativity. I helped her paint crosses while she said words over them.

 I wrote the words that she spoke on her painting .... Worthy to God, I am worthy, and Risen!

 Its so bitter sweet this world I live in. Megan is such a blessing and brings to us a special glimpse that not every one gets to see,  yet my heart breaks and breaks and breaks for her.... I pour out for her and pray she can hold in all God has for her life. I want her to be all that God has made her for and that's my prayer every day. I know some people get mad when I speak about autism like a BAD thing and say I should just accept autism but you see Autism took  my daughter away! It took Megan .... I saw it happen!
I will always accept Megan. I will always embrace Megan. I cannot accept that autism is who she is. She is an entire person without it! I have no idea  how I arrived at this point but here I am.
I am watching more growth every day in her as God shows us what to do and pray. I love how He can personally lead us into freedom. I believe He wants us to be able to break stuff off our kids and I believe we have the authority to do so.
We just have to ask Him to help us , to lead us and to speak to us. Thank you so much for being part of our little world! Keep praying for us Dear ones we STILL do not have it all figured out.

Until next time , remember God has a plan for your life and for your child's life ....Each and everyone of them!

In His LOVE ,

Arlene

I love you My Meggie Moo!

 I love you in the night time and in the morning too.
 I love you when you laugh and I love you when you cry.
 I want to make your life better and that my dear is why.....

 I push you to do what you can do
even when you yell.
It helps you to grow when you try
                                                                 even when you fail.

                                            I am not fueled by pity for you I just godda say
                     God has given me a passion to drive you every day!

                                               I love you enough to let  you be mad at me.
                                                I love you more then you can now see.
                                                  I love you past your pain my dear one ,
                                                     I love you more then me.

                    I see you .     I know you.      I've watched you grow
                                         You Have gone farther then THEY said you would
                                          but hey! what do THEY know?
                                                                     
                                                                    As the butterfly pushes through                her              cocoon
                                             I see you push just to be you.

Some times I know you read my heart
You can sooth the cry inside my soul.
"Mama I'm healed in the Holy spirit" you say....
O baby this I know.

                                                             I hope you know I'm not trying to fix YOU
                                                              just what gets in the way of who you want to be.
                                               No I'm not here to fix you baby.... BUT Gods used you to change me.

SUDDENLY!

There we were all sitting around the table. Megans team consisted of about 5 people Me, Megs Dad, Her psychologist  Dr. Brown, her worker Roswel, and her teacher,  I don't remember if everyone was present at this meeting. She had been diagnosed with autism regression for some time and we were watching her disappear  into no where. Autism was taking her away! "Arlene what are some hopes you have for Megan?" Dr. Brown asked. She had to ask me three times because I didn't have any more hope left.
 I was grieving and my hope was broken. I didn't want her to know that though, I didn't want any one to know that I had lost hope for my own daughter.

so I searched deep until I found a little tiny hope inside. As soon as I found it I blurted it out.  "I said I want her to be able to tell me what happened at school, and I want her to dance." 
Tears flowed out of my eyes as I struggled to even say those words. Autism regression made my baby sick, and I felt like she was being stolen more and more each day. People like Dr. Eilene Brown and many like her have helped me to fight for my daughter and bring her back. I know some see autism as a gift and I understand where you are coming from, but autism itself has not been a gift to us or to my daughter.My daughter is the gift.

For years we have been praying for Megan.
For years I have researched, sought out doctors, therapists and treatments that could help heal her and help Megan be all she could be. ALL GOD has created her to be!
For YEARS God has shown up to guide us in all these steps, and we have witnessed changes. Some we didn't even notice for a while It makes me wonder how we could NOT notice. Just one day we would realize that she hasn't thrown any thing in a long time. When did this stop?

Some changes are so big and so all of the sudden changes that we notice right off. We like to  call these Eureka moments.


The first Eureka moment I remember was this:  I had been studying everything about autism I had found so many parents doing the casein and gluten free diet. I am one to look into things for a long time. One day I was at a conference where Temple Grandin was speaking. It was the first time ever I heard her speak. Temple was talking about interventions and medications  that had been known to help our kids.She strongly suggested  trying diet first because, it was least harmful, I was convicted and  immediately in prayer... Saying to God "O God I'm not JUST going to do this big diet change even if every one else is doing it," "O my do you know how hard this will be?" I will only do it if you tell me too." RIGHT THEN I hear my name being called out..... How cool is that? I won the raffle! and can you guess what I won?  A huge supply of Dari free potato milk! I took that as a direction. We took Megan off of milk and gluten. Milk first I saw huge changes! She used to act drunk and out of control and most of that was gone. It was such a huge improvement I decided maybe it was a good idea to let God lead us in our adventure. Overcoming Autism began that day.

Another sudden change I saw was when we put her on M B-12. We felt directed by God to do this I cant remember how sudden it was but she had NEVER played before. She would just line her toys up. side by side in nice little rows. One day I was cleaning her bedroom , making her bed to be exact, when I heard her saying some familiar things like "o he has pretty eyes what a cute baby." She had been hearing this a lot because my new grandson and his mommy just moved in with us.  This was so unlike her even though she did parrot. I found her in front of her doll house playing with the dolls! I was so amazed.

I don't know why but no matter how many times God comes through ...No matter how many times He speaks and we are blessed when we do what He says.....NO MATTER how many amazing things He does in my life I am always SURPRISED! How can I be surprised by His faithfulness?

Recently Eureka moments seem to be happening all over the place.
Ill start her.
  At he end of 2013 I  experienced a life changing experience with a supplement. I Have taken MANY supplements in my life but I don't think any of them I felt. When I found my self totally exhausted no matter what none of my supplements were helping me.  NOTHING was helping me wake up. I was sleeping 13 or more hours a night and still felt sleepy when I woke up and was distracted all the time. I was in pain most of the time nothing real bad just a dull pain. I started taking a product that I remembered had helped me before with something else. I started to feel more awake almost immediately. I still have days that I am a little more sleepy but nothing like I was. I decided to give this supplement to Megan and really saw nothing.... except she had a BM ... That's a big deal for her! BUT it didn't continue to do that for her. I was actually giving it to her for almost 3 months and was going to take her off of it when stuff started connecting like crazy! O and by the way... We are NOT taking her off this stuff!

Connection 1.
     I put an apron on Megan before she eats and she has her own. One day  I put my apron on her in stead because hers was messy. She began to run and skip around the house screaming "NOW Im THE MOM!" Im THE BOSS OF YOU!" That is some real connecting going on!


Connection 2.
 One day we were at Red Robin and the waitress introduced her self ..."I am Sophia I will take your order when you are ready." Megan looked at her and said.... "Ide like a hamburger please." I was so shocked I could barely talk. and my mouth dropped open. NEVER before! she could barely point to make a decision before!

She is doing new things every day!  I am in awe as I watch my little girl bloom.

Connection 3.
 One day she was having a hard time with her anxieties sometimes she cusses and freaks out  and her behavior looks like tourettes.We can tell its   pretty much out of her control. She has been so repentant after ward , but never anything beyond that. SO the other day shes yelling
 Let me try and take you there without offending you but she was yelling in a real agitated voice  F...... B .... (If you need to know what words she was saying you can call me) Ok so she was saying that and some other things when SUDDENLY she  looks different then usual like shes trying to calm herself and she looks at me and says  "I'm calling Rocky a F.... B..... ," YES looking at me as if to say I'm not calling F.... B...  "I'm telling it to the dog." Right after she said that she began to tell herself in question form" Don't say F.... B.....?" Do you realize what this means? If she can see this behavoir and reason through it she will be ABLE to choose to act differently! Where there once seemed to be NO free will Now I think I'm seeing it!
The ability to make a choice is a very important life skill wouldn't you say?

Connection 4. or TMI......(To Much information)

Tonight I was trying to get her to go potty (shes scared to poop) and she kept saying I don't want to poop. (huge in itself) I told her she needed to sit on the potty . She said "ITS against the law!"
 I had to hold laughter back and try to  ignore her trying to change the subject and told her ... "Honey You have to poop or Ill have to take you to the hospital" She then gets this great idea face and says "I wanna go to the hospital!" Like she figured out a way to get out of sitting on that toilet I'm telling you anything to avoid that potty!

Connection 5.

   I was cleaning my office when I hear "Mom!" "Moooooom" "Come watch Muppet with me!"
FOR REAL! I dropped the duster and sat down next to my 14 year old daughter to watch her favorite show.

I am truly amazed I know we haven't reached our destination and Meg still has some issues. (but who doesn't?) For the first time in a long time I have high hopes for my daughter!  She is telling us what she wants and doesn't want. She is putting things together and using self soothing skills... She is even telling me when she has a hard day at school. Thank YOU God ! I love changes like these. YES My hopes are high for this young lady and I cannot wait to see whats next!

I know this has been longer then most of my posts , but its been a while and as you can tell there has been so much to report on. Remember Dear one that when you do not see what God is doing ...He is still at work behind the scenes keep your eyes to Him and ask Him to help you see His hands at work and one day you will see the suddenly happen if you just keep looking to Him.

In His LOVE
Arlene

CONNECT

 I remember being a little girl and getting so caught up in holding a puppy or kitten.  I could have cuddled forever! I was like that with baby people too . I would rather watch a baby then hang out with friends. I would even hold a baby while our family friends ate. I was  babysitting a 2 week old baby when I was 9 years old, and I was so capable!   I see that love and that awe for babies in Megan too but she doesn't get to really experience the awe like I see others experience or like I did. Megan has not experienced much of  awe in life at all . Most of life is confusing or scary.  She lives in a world with no rhyme or reason no direction and worst of all next to no connection. Imagine then the joy that fills my entire being when I do see her connect. Its few and far between but its happening more and more. There was a time when I couldn't even imagine her connecting to any one.  It was amazing to capture the relationship begin to grow between her and my little grandson. There was eye contact and a connection that I have hadn't witnessed with her yet. It was deep.

And then there was a year ago when  at bed time  I brought a puppy in her room  Her eyes immediately fixed on the little ones feet her finger touching the tiny toenails she said "look at hew wittle feet"!  SHE REALLY SAID THAT! She said it like a toddler. and was 12 BUT she SAID it !  A little girl full of wonder and yes awe. she stroked the puppy and felt her soft fur. she was in that place that a little girl loves to be. I could see that nurturing heart and the longing to be free. I saw connect. I saw Megan completely free of all that holds her back from who she longs to be. It was only for a few minutes but She was all the way there.

 

 O YES! A desire accomplished is sweet to the soul. I am seeing her blossom more and more. We are seeing her do more everyday. Last night in our life group she interacted and sang worship and praise songs with the other kids. She even colored with us. Maybe not how most kids interact but she was interacting! I love watching God heal her. He has really been leading us. He leads our prayers for her, and our interventions as well. He is the one that led us to take her off dairy he is the one who led us to the supplements she's on. I have seen so many parents try this and that with almost no real improvement. I have known people that have maxed out every credit card and buy every new thing promising to cure autism. Its hard not to be desperate when you are watching your child fade farther away every day. Its easy to feel helpless. I am so thankful for my relationship with God and love that I can trust Him in all of this. he did NOT make my daughter sick, BUT He is making her well. Little by little step by step from GLORY to GLORY we go! I cannot imagine walking this with out God. I am connected to the source, and He brings connection to my child. Well dear ones I said I would keep these short so I am going to end now with this. If you do not know God and have not asked Jesus to be Lord of your life You can do that now. Just say Jesus I need you to show me who you are and how much you love me. Take my life and make some glory out of it in Jesus name amen! That's all you have to do. He will never leave you alone in this AND He will lead you in parenting your child.

I will leave you with a few more pictures of these two. 

                                            In His LOVE
                                                Arlene.

                                                        SWEET DREAMS DEAR ONES

COMING BACK TO DADDY GOD

Have you ever been mad at God? Have you ever felt like He betrayed you? Sometimes in relationships we get mad at one another. I have hurt people that know me and they have hurt me.
People that I'm not in relationship with do not hurt me.

When Megan was five years old I went through a REAL crisis of faith. Megan couldn't talk, she couldn't wear shoes and half the time if not more was ripping off her clothes and screaming at the top of her lungs. This is the days before me having a clue. I hadn't received my autism degree from Google yet. I didn't even know autism was any thing different then someone who was able to count toothpicks in seconds if they crashed to the floor.

We had a doctor suggest autism regression when Megan was two and a half years old, but we  paid her back for that suggestion leaving her office planning never to return.

We did take Megan to Child Find at age four because by then I knew that something was wrong with my baby girl.  Most the time I knew, when I wasn't visiting the land of denial that is. Child find is a district agency where your child can be evaluated and placed  in a class that is best for them. Its where you go if you feel your child has special education needs but is not yet in the school district.
She was placed in a pre kindergarten class for 3 hours a day 4 days a week.

Backing up a bit let me tell you a little about us her parents and the siblings in our story. David and I were VERY involved in our church. I led worship on a team and David did sound as well as set up and tare down for the entire church. I could be at church at one of our campuses up to five services a week. Our oldest Justin was entering boot camp for the army, Samuel our second born was trying hard to find his way in the adult world and Shane and Caili were doing great , involved as we were in our church life. Honestly I could not believe that God would allow our daughter to have something wrong with her, after all we were serving Him .....

During the diagnosing process I stopped talking to God. I still read the bible , but only out of habit. 30 minutes a day or so when I woke up. I was not talking to God and pretty much had my hands over my ears so I couldn't hear Him either. I felt like He betrayed me. There were some other things we were finding out  as well like our 2nd son got heavy into drugs and was un reachable to us.
Our 3rd son also started veering off the good path he was hurt and needed us but.... I was overwhelmed, afraid and mad as.....well you know .....

As some of you know walking through a diagnosing process can be one of the hardest things you'll ever do. No one wanted to tell us she had autism, but hints were given along the way as if they wanted us to tell them what she had.

 One day  her special needs came rising  to the top so much so I could see her torment clear as day. I took her to school where she didn't want to go... She didn't want to leave me ever, now I know its simply because I have always gotten her. We connect that girl and I.
 I couldn't find a close parking place so parked way up the street. I got out of the car, grabbed my keys and un did the car seat latch lifting my tiny 4 year old out of the car ...keys in my mouth shutting the door with my backside. I hurried off to get her in her class. By the time we got into her class she was having a full blown melt down. screaming and crying with no acknowledgement to us when we tried to talk to her. I picked her up to take her out side LEAVING my keys in the class room. (I know not a well thought out plan) We get out side, I put her down only to watch her run around in circles , stripping off her clothes , screaming the entire time.... I did not have a clue what to do. People from the school office were staring at us and I was hurting .... shamefully thinking in heart.... My daughter is crazy. I cannot express to you the pain that burned in to my soul. She was completely out of control. I wanted to put my baby in my car and go home ... I wanted to bring her to a safe place where others were not staring at her. A safe place where she could be .... ok. Remember though I left my keys in the class room. I finally caught up with her threw her over my shoulder half way dressed she still kicked and screamed. I walked all the way down the first hall 2nd hall and into her class where I put her down grabbed my keys and left. About 2 minutes into my drive home I had to pull over because the grief over powered me.  I began to weep out loud. Some where in all that pain I found my self crying out..... "I need you God I can not do this with out you." It was as if the clouds over me parted and Heaven opened.... I heard Him .... God SPOKE TO ME! In a tender yet strong voice. He said....." O my Darlin I never wanted you to." From that moment on I have felt Him walk with me. He has walked with me through the heart break of having the child the other kids taunt at recess .... He's walked with me through my fears and brokenness. Life has still been hard but It makes all the difference when you know that He has a plan and He loves your child more then you could ever imagine and, He loves you more then any one has ever loved you. I don't have all the answers still, but I know the one who does. Megan is 13  and has come far through the healing process. She has come very far and has learned so much. You know what? I have come far too! 

One day I questioned God about my anger towards him. In 1989 David and I had a baby girl die. It was a night mare BUT in all of that grief I never once blamed God. When Megan was being diagnosed however, I blamed God and was so mad at Him. I asked Him why. The answer was shockingly simple (as usually is) In 1989 I did not know God I was saved in 1989....SOOOO  in 2005 I had been walking with him like 15 years. In 1989 I did not know Him yet therefore.... I could not be mad at Him. If you are in a place where you are mad at Him. Tell Him. He can handle your anger. If you are going through a hard time invite Him in to walk it with you.
I couldn't do this without Him.

I have to go get ready for a business meeting now so until we talk again REMEMBER God did not design you to go through this alone. keep calling out to Him and look for others on the road your on. You are not alone ...It just feels like it sometimes.

In His LOVE
Arlene.

THANKSGIVING

Once a long... long time ago in a land full of NTs (neuro typicals)   Our families used to meet up with Grandmas, and Grandpas, Aunts, Uncles, cousins, and people who had nowhere to go. They used to pile in until the number sometimes passed 30! One year we noticed our little girl had a very hard time navigating her way through this day and would sometimes have really bad tantrums. MOST of the others didn't understand and by the time we would get her settled down at our home I would fall apart in my husband’s arms. I was so undone. We kept going year after year......and I don't know why.  We did behavior modification on Meg and I even wrote her social stories to try and help her navigate. We did try and educate the others on our daughter’s behaviors. We even wrote and handed out letters one year.   I think that was the last year that we spent Thanksgiving there.

 It was hard to change what we did every year, but it was good. It has been good in so MANY different ways!

One time I heard these words in a sermon and they have stuck in me like a seed….”growing things change”

 YES GROWING things change and sometimes Change is hard.

 At first we tried to move the entire get together to our home, but for many different reasons the others still continued to stay at the other house. The first year was the hardest, but It was also so FULL of Gods peace....WE KNEW we made the right decision. It is good to have family traditions but sometimes it’s okay to make new ones. Sometimes we are stuck in old ways that are not good for any one. Perhaps a change can bring healing and growth.  I want traditions full of peace and honoring one another. I want everyone to be treated with the love that God has put in us. Let’s build a tradition where everyone is held up and brought close. Let’s build a tradition of laughter and sharing EVEN if the house is a mess! Let’s celebrate life and live in this culture all year long!

Let’s dance and sing and build a tradition where we pray and invite our Daddy God to come fellowship with us. Let’s praise and worship Him!

We first did this change because we believed it was best for Megan (our daughter) and in doing so we found it has been best for us too.

LOVEING THE LITTLE THINGS

Written by: Caili Misner

      Throughout my twenty years living here on this earth, I have learned many lessons either through my own experiences or by watching the experiences of others. But from all the lessons I have learned, one lesson stands above the rest and that is to love the little things in life. This lesson began in the year 2005, during this year my family was going through something, that literally took the world we knew and flipped it on its head or at least  it felt like that any way.

 That year of 2005, my family had found out that my sweet little five year old sister Megan had AUTISM. So many questions rushed through our minds on what this thing called autism was and how it would affect my sister Megan growing up. Well my family learned fast and hard on what autism was, what we learned and heard from our excessive research and from what experts or doctors had to say is that my sister Megan could have difficulties in social interaction with people; trouble with verbal communication which would result in fits and tantrums if she was not understood or did not get her way. Plus that she would have repetitive behaviors, no sense of humor, and a lack of empathy.

There were times when I found my sisters autism to be quite noisy and very scary, to put this into perspective and have it in a way where it’s PG for you, my dear reader. When my sister would throw a fit, let’s just say that not all words were appropriate and lady like. But there was this one time while she was throwing a fit and yelled the most appropriate thing  and what it was I will never forget, she yelled  “Oh my darn it!”  When she throws fits, I either leave the room or put my headphones on. But sometimes it would get so noisy in fact that it sounded to me like a bunch of angry cats put in a metal trashcan that was rolled down a bumpy, rocky hill during a hail storm.

Other than my sister’s fits being very loud, how it looked was a different story. Cause every time my sister threw a fit, I  saw it as if she was an angry elephant on a rampage going through the busy streets of New York City and would hit anything or anyone that was in her way or in close distance of her. Now if there was an angry elephant going through the streets, it would make  total sense for the police force and animal control to block certain areas of the city so the elephant doesn’t hurt its self or others and to make sure it goes to a safe enclosure when it can be safe and have time to calm down. This is the same with my sister Megan, whenever she throws a fit she starts hitting everything and everyone in sight which can be a danger for her and others; my family has to work together as a team and usher my sister safely to her room so she can calm down.

  Other times I found my sisters autism to be very hilarious, because there would be times when she would say the most random silly things that it would make me laugh so hard that I couldn’t breathe sometimes. There was this time in my sister’s life where just about everything and everyone was a color, like she would randomly go up to people either in the store or when people came to visit us and she would ask them “Are you purple?”  There was also another time where my sister Megan had a fascination with baby dolls and every year on her birthday or Christmas, I would ask what she wanted and every year it was the same thing “I want baby doll” she would answer this so much in fact that now my sister has a total of 30 baby dolls.

There was also a time when my sister was trying to figure out what fat was and would ask my mom and me out loud in fact, if that man or woman was fat and we would either tell her that it wasn’t nice to say or we would just ignore her if she kept on repeating it. There would also be times when my sister Megan would copycat or parrot what I would say when I would be talking to my friends or mom and dad. In these moments when she would do that, I would tell her to just be quiet, mostly all she would do is just laugh very loudly at me and say “sissy want me to be quite, I’M TOO LOUD!”  Now, to think the doctors said she would have no sense of humor.

 There were some times I found her behaviors odd or just plain silly, like when my sister had a favorite movie she liked to watch, she would want to watch it over and over again. So much in fact, that I now know almost every line of every movie I ever watched with my sister.  Then there are the moments with my sister, that I cherish very deeply and those are the moments whenever were just lying on the couch quietly next to each other watching a show or when she gives me high fives and says “we rock” every time we score five stars on Rock-Band. When I look back at those moments in my life I began to laugh and think how irritated I would get when she wouldn’t be quiet, or behave like a normal sister should, then I stop and think about those moments when I really enjoy having her around and glad that she’s not normal.

What does the story of my sister being diagnosed with autism and me having to live with it, got to do with loving the little things in life you may ask when reading this? Well to put it simply for you. It’s this, besides the throwing of occasional noisy fits and the randomness of words that would come out of my sister Megan’s mouth. There were many things; small things that everyday people seem to take for granted sometimes that my sister didn’t know how to do. Like brushing teeth, eating with utensils, getting dressed by her-self. These are just to name a few on the list of little things.

My sister Megan, who is now a teenager, has made a lot of progress since the time she got diagnosed with autism.  There are the occasional fits, but they are not as bad as they used to be when she was little and sometimes I have to remind her to use her fork or spoon when eating. But all in all, my sister has grown to be quite the social butterfly and is the shining star at her school. Every day that I spend with my sister, is a day where I love the little things more and more. I am so proud that I get to live with an extraordinary person like my sister  and get to watch her grow  into the little lady that she is becoming today, because of  my sister I have learned to love the little things, not just in my sister’s life, but mine as well.