People that I'm not in relationship with do not hurt me.
When Megan was five years old I went through a REAL crisis of faith. Megan couldn't talk, she couldn't wear shoes and half the time if not more was ripping off her clothes and screaming at the top of her lungs. This is the days before me having a clue. I hadn't received my autism degree from Google yet. I didn't even know autism was any thing different then someone who was able to count toothpicks in seconds if they crashed to the floor.
We had a doctor suggest autism regression when Megan was two and a half years old, but we paid her back for that suggestion leaving her office planning never to return.
We did take Megan to Child Find at age four because by then I knew that something was wrong with my baby girl. Most the time I knew, when I wasn't visiting the land of denial that is. Child find is a district agency where your child can be evaluated and placed in a class that is best for them. Its where you go if you feel your child has special education needs but is not yet in the school district.
She was placed in a pre kindergarten class for 3 hours a day 4 days a week.
Backing up a bit let me tell you a little about us her parents and the siblings in our story. David and I were VERY involved in our church. I led worship on a team and David did sound as well as set up and tare down for the entire church. I could be at church at one of our campuses up to five services a week. Our oldest Justin was entering boot camp for the army, Samuel our second born was trying hard to find his way in the adult world and Shane and Caili were doing great , involved as we were in our church life. Honestly I could not believe that God would allow our daughter to have something wrong with her, after all we were serving Him .....
During the diagnosing process I stopped talking to God. I still read the bible , but only out of habit. 30 minutes a day or so when I woke up. I was not talking to God and pretty much had my hands over my ears so I couldn't hear Him either. I felt like He betrayed me. There were some other things we were finding out as well like our 2nd son got heavy into drugs and was un reachable to us.
Our 3rd son also started veering off the good path he was hurt and needed us but.... I was overwhelmed, afraid and mad as.....well you know .....
As some of you know walking through a diagnosing process can be one of the hardest things you'll ever do. No one wanted to tell us she had autism, but hints were given along the way as if they wanted us to tell them what she had.
One day her special needs came rising to the top so much so I could see her torment clear as day. I took her to school where she didn't want to go... She didn't want to leave me ever, now I know its simply because I have always gotten her. We connect that girl and I.
I couldn't find a close parking place so parked way up the street. I got out of the car, grabbed my keys and un did the car seat latch lifting my tiny 4 year old out of the car ...keys in my mouth shutting the door with my backside. I hurried off to get her in her class. By the time we got into her class she was having a full blown melt down. screaming and crying with no acknowledgement to us when we tried to talk to her. I picked her up to take her out side LEAVING my keys in the class room. (I know not a well thought out plan) We get out side, I put her down only to watch her run around in circles , stripping off her clothes , screaming the entire time.... I did not have a clue what to do. People from the school office were staring at us and I was hurting .... shamefully thinking in heart.... My daughter is crazy. I cannot express to you the pain that burned in to my soul. She was completely out of control. I wanted to put my baby in my car and go home ... I wanted to bring her to a safe place where others were not staring at her. A safe place where she could be .... ok. Remember though I left my keys in the class room. I finally caught up with her threw her over my shoulder half way dressed she still kicked and screamed. I walked all the way down the first hall 2nd hall and into her class where I put her down grabbed my keys and left. About 2 minutes into my drive home I had to pull over because the grief over powered me. I began to weep out loud. Some where in all that pain I found my self crying out..... "I need you God I can not do this with out you." It was as if the clouds over me parted and Heaven opened.... I heard Him .... God SPOKE TO ME! In a tender yet strong voice. He said....." O my Darlin I never wanted you to." From that moment on I have felt Him walk with me. He has walked with me through the heart break of having the child the other kids taunt at recess .... He's walked with me through my fears and brokenness. Life has still been hard but It makes all the difference when you know that He has a plan and He loves your child more then you could ever imagine and, He loves you more then any one has ever loved you. I don't have all the answers still, but I know the one who does. Megan is 13 and has come far through the healing process. She has come very far and has learned so much. You know what? I have come far too!
One day I questioned God about my anger towards him. In 1989 David and I had a baby girl die. It was a night mare BUT in all of that grief I never once blamed God. When Megan was being diagnosed however, I blamed God and was so mad at Him. I asked Him why. The answer was shockingly simple (as usually is) In 1989 I did not know God I was saved in 1989....SOOOO in 2005 I had been walking with him like 15 years. In 1989 I did not know Him yet therefore.... I could not be mad at Him. If you are in a place where you are mad at Him. Tell Him. He can handle your anger. If you are going through a hard time invite Him in to walk it with you.
I couldn't do this without Him.
I have to go get ready for a business meeting now so until we talk again REMEMBER God did not design you to go through this alone. keep calling out to Him and look for others on the road your on. You are not alone ...It just feels like it sometimes.
In His LOVE
Arlene.
